everything is a self-portrait.

gen413 @ 2006-02-10T03:12:00

2006-02-10T08:10:15Z

last year was one of our better years
in a life full of separation
it's ok to second guess
just as long as you remember she's gone.
in the bright of day
it might seem like the stars are gone
they never leave
they come back when the sun moves on

it's over now, you watched me as i turned around
it's not why, but how
the light is on i'll come home
now i feel it's been such a long time
since her eyes have met with mine
i feel it's been such a long time
i'm glad you've made up your mind

it's hurting me from the inside
if i only had something to say
maybe if i prove that i'm right
will it still be safe to stay?

i can't do this anymore, the journal's become too much trouble and i made everybody feel like shit. i need to take a couple days and archive all the posts, but after that it's dead. i might turn up again somewhere later, who knows. i'll keep writing, and maybe i'll start sharing again eventually.

my biggest issue i think is that everyone take everything way too personally...the point of my journal is for me to think, and sort my shit out. i guess it's a little too much to ask for people not to jump to conclusions about really emotional stuff.

nonetheless...goodbye. i'll miss Gen, she was a good friend. she's the only one who really listens without judging.

editor's notes: as far as i can tell/remember, Gen has never used...
-a subject
-a mood
-a "current music"
-the capital letter "i"
-a tag

gen413 @ 2006-02-09T23:00:00

2006-02-10T03:58:00Z

grrrr...

intensely frustrated...

don't want to study...

just want to break things...

i don't even know why. i just feel like i'm under the constant scrutiny of everybody and i always have to be the rock. i'm supposed to be the mature one, the responsible one, the one that just handles shit. i can never trust people to just get it done. there's nobody looking out for me, making sure i feed myself, go to class, take care of my own work, yet i feel like i should do this for a good handful of people. part of my anxiety of next year's living situation is that i don't want to be in a position where i have to take care of people when i have a million other things to do. i don't want to be the only one who cleans the bathroom, cooks and does the dishes, after coming home from work where i've spent the last twelve hours cleaning shit and making food and washing dishes. i also don't want to be expected to be social, there are a lot of nights that i just want to come home and sit around, watch a movie, play with my cats, knit or something like that. i hate going out. i don't really like drinking (oh, my new rule for alcohol is my old rule for pot - don't do it unless it's free...not to the point where i go looking for free stuff but only do it when it's offered to me at no charge...don't make an investment, even though i eventually ended up doing that with pot but i'm done with that now).

i think i need to meet new people. i think i need an older set, i'm growing out of my college years and i have nothing to grow into. somebody at the coffee shop over the weekend asked me if it was my place, like if i owned it. and you know what, i really could...minus the start-up capital of course. most of my friends are still in college mode, not to say that i'm not, but i'm almost done with it. i'm tired and frustrated with it. my problem is that i don't know what's next. i don't know how to be a "twenty-something," i don't know how to go on casual dates, go out for coffee, meet colleagues with self-confidence and assurance. when i meet professionals in my field, i am a timid schoolgirl. i still feel like a kid among adults in schools, i can already see myself being closer to the students than the faculty. i know that i can relate to the kids, but how do i relate to the adults? i can't just put on a Fall Out Boy t-shirt and win them over. they won't look at my gauged ears and say "wow, i have those too." i don't know how to make a good first impression on grown-ups. i don't know very many grown-ups.

fuck this rant, i'm supposed to be studying.

in summary, i'm insecure and feel like nobody is supporting me.

back to ochem.

_____________________________________________________________________________

okay so rather than post a thousand seperate rants, i'm just going to continue on this one.

i have always said that OKCupid is the most flattering thing a person could ever participate in. i check my account every couple days, and there is inevitably a couple messages that sounds something like this...(for real, this one is from today)

"Has anyone ever told you that you have the most beautiful and interesting eyes?
They have a quality about them that says "there's more to this person than you might think at first glance" and I just had to write you a message and let you know it."

i think my biggest crisis right now is that i think my friends are too close to me, they know too much about me and thus are in good position to use me. i know it's stupid, but i'm insecure and can't trust their compliments because i feel like they want something from me whether it's a job, money, sex, errands, favors, rides, homework, whatever. to some extent, i think that i could disappear and people wouldn't notice until they got a craving for bubble tea. i can't tell anymore whether people are really looking out for my best interest or theirs, and when i really think about it, i don't believe anyone is looking out for me.

gen413 @ 2006-02-08T21:43:00

2006-02-09T02:43:36Z

another PSA:

five bucks for anyone who wants to come over and wash my dishes.

gen413 @ 2006-02-08T19:56:00

2006-02-09T00:56:59Z

i know that my comment about hating everyone threw you all for a spill. i am NOT going to tell you all what exactly i hate about you, and this is for many reasons. mostly because it's really not important. i don't hate these things about you because i want you to change them, i don't want you to be what i want you to be, i want you to be yourself even if it makes me dislike a certain aspect about you. there is nothing you can do about it, so what will knowing do to help? as a friend, i am not to offer you criticism unless i feel that it is necessarily warranted or beneficial. for the most part these things are not. i am frankly taken by surprise to see people who i hardly ever spend time with and who hardly ever go out of their way for me so ardently vying for my affection. curiously, nobody wondered what it was i liked about them. stop worrying so goddamn much.

work schedule for this week:
Thurs. 2-close
Fri. 1-close
Sat. 7:30 (am)-close
Sun. 8:30-close
Mon. 2-close
Thurs. 2-close
Fri and Sat off for Katsucon
Sun 8:30-close

there are so many things that i should be doing, but really don't feel like doing any of them. i just want to sit in my bed and listen to Sarah MacLachlan and be emo.

gen413 @ 2006-02-07T09:52:00

2006-02-07T14:52:02Z

fuck that.

my mom said she'd pay for my haircut and whatever that i have been excited about for like a week. however, with my phone broken, i can't call her. and i don't have enough money to lay it out.

it seems as if everything i get excited about ends up getting cancelled or put off indefinitely or somehow or another fucked up. that's what i get for anticipation. you watch, next i won't be able to go to the con.

gen413 @ 2006-02-07T03:56:00

2006-02-07T08:56:55Z

Becca did this and i feel like i should too...i don't feel like anybody really knows anything about me...

i hate every single person (save Chris Simon) in this entire world for something they are, something they've done, or something they didn't do.
i like every single person (save Shervin) in this entire world for something they are, something they've done, or something they didn't do.
i make a lot of judgements about people and hold them guilty until proven otherwise.
i have trouble getting along with people who don't share similar attitudes with me.
i like music a lot
but my affection towards it was absolutely and completely undermined by the mp3 revolution and the over-accessibility to music.
i like anime a lot, and will never acquire more than i can handle for fear that the same thing will happen.
i have a lot of interests, and find it easy to gain common ground with people.
i really enjoy intellectual debates, but most of the people i interact with on a daily basis are too stupid to support a side in an argument, nonetheless their own position.
part of me desperately wants to be coddled and shaped and molded and made up to fit a mold.
i decided a while ago that it is much more realistic to strive to fit one man's mold than the society set.
i :broke edge: for a year because i thought i had a certain motivation for becoming straight-edge in the first place and i no longer needed it. in reality, my first two and a half years of school taught me to be self-reliant, which was the point, in a way that i feel uncomfortable and guilty drinking and especially taking legal drugs.
i am determined to handle childbirth drug free.
i honestly right now cannot see myself getting married.
i believe this stems from the idea of the sanctity of the marriage sacrament, and the only way i understand marriage is through the church. since i'm not with the church anymore, i honestly think it would be stupid and unworthy of me to get married.
i like being told what to do
i like being appreciated for what i am, not what i do
i like being complemented
i like being unpredictable.
it really bothers me when people have no direction, impetus, motivation for what they're doing.
i hate when people complain about doing work.
i believe that no English major is excused from knowing the basics of math.
i believe that no math/science major is excused from knowing the basics of syntax and grammar.
i shuffle semi-annually between paganism and agnosticism.
i can't stand it when people talk about themselves all the time. then you feel like you have to talk about yourself to compete with them, and i hate talking about myself.
i write this journal for me, and i would most likely continue writing if everyone stopped reading it.
i sometimes contemplate the trade-offs of the me vs. Cramos fight. i'd never before been yelled at like that, i didn't enjoy it, but i finally understood what i had been trying to avoid my entire life by shying away from confrontation. i think that, in terms of the outcome, for the most part she got what she wanted and i got what i wanted, at some point or another.
i have this nasty habit of falling for/dating/hooking up with my friends' exes. (to name a few: Greg Hudson, Steve from church, Pozzie, Steve, Chris, Galen, Tom, Anton...am i missing anyone? i think i'm a sucker for broken hearts.
Kathleen has still made out with more guys than me.
i love it when people play with my hair.
i live for physical contact (not necessarily intimate) and downright enjoy cuddling.
i heart sappy movies.
i like Valentine's day because a whole lot of people are really depressed and it's up to you to make them feel better.
i'll admit it...i enjoy sex...alot. i don't like taking initiative, and like fucking guys who are creative.
if i didn't hate female personalities so much, i would definitley be bi. i probably am, but a lot of the character aspects i like about guys are things that would make a girl come off like a total bitch, completely socially akward, or a basket case. i just can't deal with another girl's drama, one is enough.
i think women are beautiful on the outside, fucking ugly on the inside.
i can't stand falsely self-assurred people. if you want to act like you're something special, do something to back it up.
i hate the idea of psychotherapy. same reason i hate drugs, actually. i should be able to deal with my own problems, mental or physical.
i think this proves that i'm a Darwinist, at least on some level.

okay, this has gotta be finished...i need to sleep. goodnight.

gen413 @ 2006-02-06T22:19:00

2006-02-07T03:19:17Z

news flash

my coffee shop is hiring someone new at my own personal discretion. i am supposed to bring a friend in on Wednesday afternoon pretty much to be hired on the basis of my positive recommendation. i need someone who is industrious and an extremely fast learner, reliable and hardworking to the point that i can be proud of you. experience is not necessary, i can teach you everything you would ever need to know. customer service skills/a good attitude and friendliness are important, though. (i actually have more food-service experience than all of the other employees put together) it would probably be 20 hours a week at 7-7.50 an hour, most likely afternoons and weekends. tuesday and wednesday afternoons would be the best, since those are the only days that i can't work.

let me know tomorrow if you're interested, you are free/encouraged to break the rules and contact me asap (IM me or call my room phone, ext. 1631, i dropped my cell in dishwater and now it doesn't work).

thanks!

gen413 @ 2006-02-06T03:30:00

2006-02-06T08:30:35Z

so, while i think i was supposed to be talking to Pozzie on the phone and Anton on line, i was out on a pseudo-date with Chris Simon and watching Flavor of Love, the Flava-Flav dating show. ps i am TOTALLY addicted.

we are having a romantic comedy marathon at the boys' apartment this weekend in honor of valentine's day. there will be brownies and chocolate and champagne and strawberries and chick flicks till you bleed love. we're pre-gaming Thursday with Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and still ironing out the lineup for the rest of the weekend. should be an absolute fucking blast.

i'm debating cosplaying for the con, at last minute. i may possibly be going as Flava Flav, or we might be gathering some collection of overly generalized video game characters, and then i'd get to be a kick ass schoolgirl. i don't know if i want to be as high profile as Flav though...people would like, want to take pictures of the little white girl with the big clock. although it would be totally pimp. i told the boys they would have to corn-row my hair.

gen413 @ 2006-02-05T19:48:00

2006-02-06T00:48:46Z

1. (The Dixie Cups...i know you've never heard of them, but i PROMISE you that you all know this song) "Spring is here, the sky is blue, birds all sing as if they knew today's the day we'll say 'i do' and we'll never be lonely anymore."

14. (The Beatles) "There beneath the blue suburban skies i sit."

15. (No Doubt) "Hold it, hold it all in. Let it build up, build a bomb and blow it, blow it away. Clear it all out, just end it."

16. (Maroon Five) "You are not what you seem, you are a mystery to me, sometimes i just want to scream."

21. (From The Pajama Game, i don't expect any of you to get this) "How i love to sit and watch the seconds melt afly!"

22. (Dave Matthews Band) "Take my hand cause we're walking out of here...oh, right out of here, love is all we need here."

24. (Coheed and Cambria) "Is there a price to burn this paradise?"

okay, these are the remaining songs from my thingy. i gave you all the artists and you just have to name the songs, this way you should know whether you should know any.

in other news, i am getting terrily stir crazy sitting around here with nowhere to go. spring semester is for road trips, but with working weekends i have no time to travel anymore and i hate it. it's almost spring break (three weeks away), and i'm not going to request additional hours at work therefore i'll work monday night and then have tuesday, wednesday and thursday off. i have no idea what to do with myself. part of me wants to go home, part to go see Anton, part to blow the $250 and fly to Pozzie's, part to hang around here and just relax and hope that will help. home has a hot tub, the other three (most likely) have good sex, and with the exception of the last two being switched, they go in increasing order of how much money i will have to spend. excluding Pozzie's, they all have an agreeable comic shop, if i go home i can probably even get my mom to take me to the city !!!midtown!!! (must pick up BNS #1, i won't have time to before that because of the anime con/midterms). i will most likely be dirt poor when i get wherever i get, because most of my paycheck needs to go into my savings, so extra no Pozzie's. if anyone has any input/advice, let me know.

omg yaaaaaay chipotle with Chris Simon i am soooooo hungry i'm going to eat my own hand.

"Come hey Annie, you used to be the only girl to take it seriously. Come on Annie, tell us your trick on how you keep on getting boys to stick!"

gen413 @ 2006-02-05T00:30:00

2006-02-05T05:30:07Z

"Lloyd, listen to me, everything has changed. You had sex. No matter what you might think, nothing will ever be the same between you two. You might be 60, you might be walking down the street, and you'll talk to her about something, whatever. But what you'll be really thinking is: we had sex."

i haven't played WoW in days. i'm getting a little antsy, but truth is that i'm at a point where the next time i play, i really have to sit down and really play hard core. like, be prepared to do a lot of shit and have a lot of patience so that i can stop sucking.

my sprained finger still really hurts. i had it taped all day, but now i have to let it breathe a bit so i splinted it with a bobby pin.

i am reaaaaaaally excited to get my hair cut on tuesday. i may not even be able to wait until then. i might go tomorrow after work. although i kinda want to ask around and try to find a good stylist, i want someone who will follow my guidelines (1. no blowdrying, 2. no pouffy) but give me a style that's more creative than i could come up with and looks better on me without a lot of maitenance. i really have no idea how to spell that word. i very possibly want to get it colored/highlighted with something that i won't have to come in and have re-done all the time.

i am very likely getting my industrial done this week, probably at Mystic on thursday.

work all day tomorrow again...

i have an orgo test on friday that i hard core need to study for. if i don't do well on this exam, i told myself that i have to drop the class. that means i will have to take it over the summer, through the consortium (ie paying CUA prices = about $2000) which most definitely means no Japan. meaning that i probably won't be able to play WoW again this week, since this week effectivley decides my summer.

friday is also payday, so that's good. i've worked alot since last payday, it should be a pretty nice check.

um, i just did the math and it will be almost five hundred dollars. omg if i can make five hundred dollars every two weeks, i will be rediculously set.

gen413 @ 2006-02-04T08:32:00

2006-02-04T13:32:32Z

i had a dream last night that i took a standardized test, talked to two vets, i dyed my hair blue, Antonio felt me up, i had a spat with Cramos and then she let me french braid her hair, i took a class and had to make a presentation that i was totally unprepared for, so i randomly decided to talk about Plato, i ran into Greg Hudson, he gave me a Zulu shrunken head, we realized we were soul mates, and then drove off in Strain over the Serengeti.

good dream, eh?

gen413 @ 2006-02-04T00:12:00

2006-02-04T05:12:54Z

so, nothing new going on. two semi important news items:

-i am heavily considering going back straight edge.

-my mom told me today that i pretty much have to go to grad school right after undergrad because i will lose my health insurance if i don't. unless, of course, i get a real job. but i'm pretty sure i don't want to do that.

work is good, school is good. that's all. oh, except that tonight i think i sprained my right index finger and cut my left forearm on the corner of the microwave door.

gen413 @ 2006-02-01T14:15:00

2006-02-01T19:25:07Z

Step 1: Put your music player (iTunes, etc) on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play.
Step 3: IM them to me (threechordmi) and i will...
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly with the persons name for who gets them right!

1. "Spring is here, the sky is blue, birds all sing as if they knew today's the day we'll say 'i do' and we'll never be lonely anymore."

2. ~~"Just say how to make it right, and i swear i'll do my best to comply."~~ Nothing Better, The Postal Service (Earl Jones)

3. ~~"He got feet down below his knees, hold you in his arms yeah you can feel his disease."~~ Come Together, The Beatles (Galen)

4. ~~"i'm on a course, so maybe i should stay...and map around her world."~~ Hurricane, Something Corporate (Erin Blair)

5. ~~"And when i touch you i feel happy inside."~~ i Want to Hold Your Hand, The Beatles (Bethie)

6. ~~"Do you need anybody? i need somebody to love. Could it be anybody? i want somebody to love."~~ With a Little Help From My Friends, The Beatles (Beth and Yida) *note - this is actually NOT the song it was supposed to be! i misquoted, my bad!

7. ~~"i'll do anything for you, this story is for you."~~ Wake Up, Coheed and Cambria (Earl Jones)

8. ~~"And i don't believe in G-d so i can't be saved."~~ Mess, Ben Folds Five (Poopie)

9. ~~"Can you teach me about tomorrow, and all the pain and sorrow, running free? Cause tomorrow's just another day, and i don't believe in time."~~ Time, Hootie and the Blowfish (Erin Blair)

10. ~~"Somewhere in a private place, she packs a bag for outerspace and now she's waiting for the right kind of pilot to come..."~~ To the Moon and Back, Savage Garden (Poopie)

11. ~~"Nobody beat us, fry us and eat us in fricasee!"~~ Under the Sea, from The Little Mermaid (Erin Blair)

12. ~~"Just close your eyes and make believe, and you can be anywhere!"~~ Theme from the Muppet Babies (Jen Bobbie)

13. ~~"Where we used to laugh there's a shouting match, sharp as a thumbnail scratch."~~ How's it Gonna Be, Third Eye Blind (Erin Blair)

14. "There beneath the blue suburban skies i sit."

15. "Hold it, hold it all in. Let it build up, build a bomb and blow it, blow it away. Clear it all out, just end it."

16. "You are not what you seem, you are a mystery to me, sometimes i just want to scream."

17. ~~"There's a darkness, that comes without a warning but i will sing you lullabies and wake you in the morning."~~ Fantine's Death, Les Miserables (Danielle Gallo)

18. ~~"Thank you, stranger, for your theraputic smile."~~ Bowl of Oranges, Bright Eyes (Jen Bobbie)

19. ~~"Not sure about life after this, G-d knows i've never been a spiritual man."~~ River of Dreams, Billy Joel (Erin Blair)

20. ~~"When i'm home, everything seems to be right, when i'm home, feeling you holding me tight."~~ A Hard Day's Night, The Beatles (Bethie)

21. "How i love to sit and watch the seconds melt afly!"

22. "Take my hand cause we're walking out of here...oh, right out of here, love is all we need here."

23. ~~"And maybe i could live forever, if not ever i had known that you'd be waiting there whenever i am all alone..."~~ i Woke Up In a Car, Something Corporate (Jen Bobbie)

24. "Is there a price to burn this paradise?"

25. ~~"Since we're on good terms, thanks for for all the memories...thanks for everything."~~ Thanks, You're the Best, The Starting Line (Poopie)

some helpful stats:
~~-there is one song lyric with the title of the song in it.~~
~~-there are two Disney original songs from animated movies/series~~
-there are three songs from broadway musicals, two of which you would only know if you knew the musical, one that everyone should know (not necessarily GET, but know.)
-there ~~are two~~ is ONE remaining bands that have two songs each on this
~~-there are three mid-90's radio singles~~
-there are four songs that might be quite hard because it is REALLY difficult to pick a lyric without the song title in it (1, ~~11, 12,~~ 14), and all of these songs are referenced in other hints.
-there ~~are FIVE~~ is ONE remaining beatles songs

gen413 @ 2006-02-01T08:50:00

2006-02-01T13:50:11Z

all i wanted last night was someone to sit and do the crossword with me. made me miss you a lot, and i hate myself for being so fickle. last month i was upset that i'd let a different one get away. but i guess that's what breaking up is all about. it's funny, the academic mecca that college is supposed to be, i've only met a few people at school who enjoy doing these things. i've fallen so far out of practice, in a lot of things, i miss being educated about the government, sitting together with nothing much of anything to do, doing homework while you sit on my bed and read. so many things i was unsatisfied with, but these were not them.

it may sound odd...but i have this dream of being a muse. i explained to Pozzie, in jest, one day that i give him such a hard time so that he'll get really emo and write a song about me.

i went to see Memoirs of a Geisha yesterday. it was extremely good, and very beautiful. i bought myself a small cluster of baby roses on my way home.

i am going to start randomly doing nice things for myself on tuesday afternoons, at least until i get my practicum placement. next week, i think i'm going to go back to gallery place to the Aveda salon and get a haircut and facial. i believe that i deserve to be spoiled fucking rotten every once in a while.

i had this very odd dream last night, and i didn't curse. like, someone would say something like "slimy bastard" and i would say, "i'm sorry, i don't say things like that." it was odd. in the dream, it was some sort of senior carnival and the whole class was coming together and having fun or whatever, and i'm not quite sure what my position was, but i was "hosting" it and working and was the only one not like playing the games and having a good time. there were two rivaling factions and the leader of the bad one mercilessly hit on me, to the point that i was afraid, but i maneuvered my way out of it with my words. all the people graduating were all sad and sort of sentimental because the'd never see eachother again, and when i woke up i thought about college graduation. i mean, how many people am i never going to see again? i mean, when you graduate high school, the kids from your class for the most part still live there, you run into them in the store when you're home, you inevitably see them at Turkey Trot, but here everyone's from a different place. there's no reason for them to stay, or stick around, and too many to keep track of. like all the random people you never thought you'd miss are the ones you end up wanting to see again.

well, i think it's about time for class and i'm not anywhere near ready.

gen413 @ 2006-01-29T19:07:00

2006-01-30T00:06:03Z

alright, so...

i went in to work at 10 this morning, after working all day yesterday. worked with Harriet (who is a senior in high school and very nice and works well/hard) until about 1, then was effectivly working by myself for six hours. i did everything, except for maybe ten people the entire afternoon, i rang up every customer, served them, cleaned up after them, and washed their fucking dishes. we closed on time (thank gods) and then i spent the next half hour doing everything i thought needed to be done to close, and i remembered almost everything. did it all, then mopped the floor in the back. i said, audibly to my boss, i'm going to mop the floor, and then i have to leave because i'm meeting people at 7 (which apparently got cancelled, something i did not find out about until i got home). he said, okay, and then once i was done mopping he said, oh, you didn't wipe this table, or this counter, or do this, or do that. and i was like, fine i'll do it and as soon as i finished it i picked up my shit and bolted and i said goodbye and he gave me this sappy sad "see you later" like he was mad at me for not staying later to help him do things that 1) he was capable of doing and 2) i shouldn't have had to do because he didn't do anything all fucking day.

i am gathering that my bosses don't actually want to be working ever. they don't understand that when you only employ four people, one of whom only works for like, 6 hours on weekends and one of whom is SUPPOSED to be part time, that you will have to work. part of owning and managing a business is picking up the slack. if you want something done, you've got to do it yourself. even if you don't want to do it, you have to do it, if that's the way you want it done. or you hire someone to do it. but you can't expect me to work for nine hours without a break and then stay and do more.

i have worked at my job for one week. i've already clocked 32 hours. plus 19 credit hours. this is insane. i am going to kill myself by the end of the semester. but if not, i'll at least have enough money to live semi-comfortably for the next couple months. i mean, i won't have time to spend the money, but hey. at least i'll have it. what total bullshit.

i am burnt out. can't you tell?

gen413 @ 2006-01-29T09:10:00

2006-01-29T14:09:26Z

OH MY. so i have been scanning craigslist for summer sublets, and i found one this morning that's a 3 bedroom townhouse in Georgetown going for $915 a month. even though neither of my two jobs will be anywhere near that area, making up for the gas/metrofare is TOTALLY worth it. the house will fit 6 people, but it's cheap enough for me to be able to afford with only one roommate. so if there is one person who would be willing to commit to this with me, then i can take the house and we can try to gather more people. i think we'd be more comfortable with four or five, which would still make the rent under/around $200. fucking sweet.

so, anyone who's interested leave me a comment/let me know!!

gen413 @ 2006-01-28T21:22:00

2006-01-29T02:25:04Z

so, after the absolute horrible-ness of yesterday, today wasn't so bad. working makes me realize how much i like it, and that as much as i love school and i love going to class and learning stuff i really love working. i washed dishes and made sandwiches almost all day today, and it was beautiful. yesterday, i took a horrible ochem test on which i knew EVERY SINGLE ANSWER except two and of course one of those two was worth 25 points. so i pretty much failed. which is bullshit because i knew everything else really well, regardless of how little i studied. *whoops* i literally just forgot to study one page of notes (i studied from last year's notes/outlines, she must not have covered this topic last year). but today the sun was shining and it was beautiful.

today was the first time in a while i've thought about Steve and not felt like my stomach was going to eat itself. my boss was reading a newspaper and there was an article about Dubai, which is where they designed their project for in last semester's studio. regardless of all the bullshit, we were really good friends at one time. i hope i never forget that.

i was, however, asked about my boyfriend today. in a context that i had to describe one of them. we were talking about my major/school/what i'm going to do, and the girls told me that i should teach at a fancy prep school so i can make the big bucks. i said no, that's not really what i want to do...they said, oh, she wants to teach as a service...which is correct. then they said, "well how are you going afford your Coach handbags (and a bunch of other things in brand names i did not recognize)?" and promptly my boss chimed in, "her boyfriend will pay for them! what does your boyfriend do?" so at a moment's notice, i had to decide whether i should describe to them 1) the guy i'm in an 'open relationship' with, who's currently not speaking to me, 2) the OTHER guy that i'm sort of casually hooking up with, 3) the guy i broke up with two months ago without really telling him, or 4) the last guy i 'officially' dating who i actually cared about, who is not speaking to me either. gods, i have a wonderful track record, don't i? so i made the executive decision to say, after about as long a pause as i could get away with, "oh, he's an artist." they gasped and said, "well, one of you has to be making money!" and "ooh, an artist and a scientist, that must be interesting!" and told me to have him bring in some of his work so they could hang it up.

well, Earl and i are going to chipotle soonish.

ps i made tuna today and i didn't hate it. i think i may just be picky about my tuna like i'm picky about my chicken salad. i think it's really just because i hate mayonaise.

gen413 @ 2006-01-27T03:15:00

2006-01-27T08:14:41Z

i looked at my desktop and then up at my bulliten board and said inside, oh my, this tells me exactly how i feel this very moment.

my desktop is this picture of Hinata from Naruto all regal and shit with an air of honor and respectability and glamour to her, and the one on my bulliten board is her on her knees looking at the artist all shy and timid and childish.

i just got stuck in a mental quandry between being cute and kneeling like a kid and sitting atop a litter like a queene. don't really know where it came from, and now it's gone. i've gotta sleep.

tomorrow 0chem exam, probably skipping philo and coming home to nap a bit before work, depending on how i feel and how much i want to pump more caffinne into my system so i can stress out about something totally unimportant like leveling and getting kick ass so my guild can be proud of me.

i was asked today if i was alone, and i responded "i'm always alone." i didn't mean it quite like it came out...but then i thought about it and i did. and last night i had a pre-sleep dream about being a spinster and how i think it could work. yes, i'm saying that i think i'd be okay if i never fell in love again. i've always known this, but now i'm thinking that as opposed to being okay with it, i might just want it. Becky was absolutely right, i have been busy this year. Kathleen and i were comparing "stats" the other night and in the three years i spend straight-edge i made out with four guys. in the one year (almost to the day) since i quit, i've made out with seven. and you know what? i don't feel like a better or worse person because of it, but i'm not sure that it's that important. sure, the companionship is nice, the sex is nice, the cuddling is nice. but to what end? the aggression, the heartbreak, the fighting, the feeling shitty about myself...is it worth it? even when the other person has done nothing...split-seconds of mental wandering make my brain spasm and press the plunger on a syringe full of heartache. my knight in shining armour just plain doesn't exist, there is no such guy, human or not, who isn't going to fail at some point and i hate that that is my expectation. but it would kill me to abandon something that i have so often dreamed about and cash it in for some harsh reality.

i don't know where this is going...i haven't had a good ramble in a while...so here you go. have fun.
goodnight.
blah.

gen413 @ 2006-01-25T08:34:00

2006-01-25T13:34:39Z

gen413 @ 2006-01-24T15:25:00

2006-01-24T20:25:20Z

back to school mix.

1. Levittown is for Lovers, Patent Pending
2. Man on the Side, John Mayer
3. Taxi Driver, Gym Class Heroes
4. Mr. Brightside, The Killers
5. Black Mamba, The Academy Is...
6. Playing Favorites, The Starting Line
7. At Your Funeral, Saves the Day
8. Radio, Alkaline Trio
9. The Frequency, Jets to Brazil
10. Young Pilgrims, The Shins
11. Oceans Apart, The Fire Theft
12. My Favorite Chords, The Weakerthans
13. Cannonball, Damien Rice
14. Foolish Games (Jewel cover), Off the Beat
15. Wonderwall, Oasis
16. Don't Stand So Close to Me, The Police (who are NOT U2 like i thought they were)
17. Mayfly, Belle and Sebastian
18. View from Heaven, Yellowcard.

i am recalling a conversation i had with Becky yesterday and i think she tactfully called me a slut. she pretty much said that i was being promiscuous and that i had been "busy" over the last year while she had been hung up on the same guy. i'm not sure what to make of it, i'm sure she didn't mean to insult me or anything.

also, yesterday at work one of my co-workers said, "you should be good for this job, you oriental people like to clean." i didn't know that this was a trend.

gen413 @ 2006-01-23T22:58:00

2006-01-24T03:58:24Z

i heart Paradise Kiss alot.

it is one of the new series we're watching on Monday night this semester, it's about a bunch of kids who go to an art school for fashion design and have their own underground clothing company.

i like this banner a whole lot. she's probably my favorite character so far.

no, it's not because it's only the second episode and she's already fucking the punk on a pool table. i swear. ;)

as for real news, i started my new job today. looks like my new weekly schedule is going to be like this:
M = class 9-12, lunch/break 12-2, get ready/get to work 2-3, work 3-7:30ish, dinner/CUAnime 8-10:30ish, homework, sleep.
T = class 10:30-12, lunch 12-1, post office 1-4, class 4:30-7, dinner, homework, sleep.
W = class 9-12, lunch/break 12-1:30 or 3:30, lab 1:30-3:30 or 3:30-5:30, dinner/homework 3:30 or 5:30-8, CUAnime 8-10ish, homework, sleep.
Th = (most likely my practicum in the morning 7:30ish-10), class 10:30-12, lunch/break 12-2, get ready/get to work 2-3, work 3-7:30ish, dinner, homework, sleep.
F = class 9-12, lunch/break 12-2, get ready/get to work 2-3, work 3-7:30ish, dinner, hanging out, sleep.
Sa = (don't know what time i'm definitely going to be working, most likely noon-7:30)
Su = work 11-6:30

i'm going to be hella busy for this semester, but i should bring in about $225 a week working at the coffee shop. even if i spend $1000 this semester (which i did last one, although i was pretty frivolous) i will still have over $1250 going into the summer, enough to put a deposit and a month's rent into an apartment for summer. i think my ideal plan would be to keep similar hours at the shop for the summer and teach at the HAP summer program, which pays $1600 flat for the summer. figuring that my apartment won't cost over $500 a month (hoping that i can split it with someone/people) that's about 7 months' rent. then all i need is money for bills and spending (food!) over the summer and one semester and i will be golden! i will hopefully be able to find cheaper living arrangements, too. with that in mind, i will be completely financially independant within four months, barring insurance (car and health) and my cellphone (which, mind you, i wouldn't have if i had to pay for it myself. i hate that damn thing, but my mother seems to think that if she didn't provide a phone for me i'd just get my own land line and not give her the number. which i probably would.)

okay, i think my financial dribble is done.

i lose time when i make icons, and after making the new one (Paradise Kiss, ^<) it's late and i should go to bed. still have to finish some reading for class tomorrow night.

gen413 @ 2006-01-22T17:26:00

2006-01-22T22:26:16Z

Marscon was a blast, as always. coming home i pondered two things:

1. grad school. i think the schools that i am going to apply to are U-Madison, Harvard, Vanderbilt, GW and William and Mary. i am fairly sure that i'm not ready to go to Japan next next year, and i'll need to do grad school first. i really want to come home from JET and settle, because i think that unless i have someone waiting for me when i'm finished over there, i'll never come back. and i certainly don't think i'm ready to set that up yet.

2. the way i deal with people. i'm pretty sure that i am a con-artist and generally just use people and make deals with their kami. most people are oblivious to this, there's kind of this image in my head of me standing there with my animated red string poking someone with it, and their avatar springing from their heart and taking a grasp of it, entirely underneath the consciousness of the person in themself. so you can understand my shock, although i have always known that it works this way, when i poke someone and they physically look at me and take a hold of the string and tie it to their heart.

because really i am on both ends of the spectrum when it comes to wanting things in return. i almost never want an item in exchange for another, money for service rendered, retrieval of something borrowed. but on the other side of the coin, i almost never give something for nothing. anything i give, i want spiritual return. i do you a favor without asking for anything, but really i am demanding your friendship and loyalty. equivalent exchange.

branching from the same vein, i also contemplated the condition under which the human being could actually see "the god" within him or her self. i believe it requires a self-awareness that i have never before seen in a person. not to deny that it is there, but more along the lines of Kant that it is unintelligable, that we cannot learn anything about god, particularly in the Judeo-Christian sense, the God of Abraham and Issac, from humanity. the church generally counts it as reason, the part of himself that God gave us in his image and likeness, but why is it necessarily something that we all have in common? couldn't, for example, God be a skee-ball fanatic as Smith envisions her? then every skee-ball fan would have that commonality with God.

okay, Kathleen and i are going to get food, with whoever else we can grab on the phone.

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
so come on courage!
teach me to be shy
cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know.

gen413 @ 2006-01-20T09:04:00

2006-01-20T14:04:41Z

so, Marscon this weekend.

i like Marscon because it is very chill, and very easy to find your own space and just hang out. Anime USA it was very hard to do that, i was looking for a place to just sit and draw for a while and it was really difficult. apparently we are going to some sort of club shindig VIP thing on friday night, i don't really have any idea. i am totally clueless when it comes to the club scene, the only two times i've ever been to a club i didn't have very good times. we'll try it again, things are always worth another chance.

class time, i am most likely leaving mid afternoonish (pending a second interview at the coffee shop) and i'll be back probably late afternoon Sunday (last year i left after checkout, like 11ish, this year will probably be about the same.) see you then!

gen413 @ 2006-01-19T14:07:00

2006-01-19T19:07:31Z

so i got poked and now i'm supposed to do this thing. it was called 'three things meme' but i don't like the word 'meme' so i took it out. i don't even know what it means. like 'blog' and all those other words i don't like. i know 'blog' comes from 'weblog' but did they just take of the 'we'? that's uber lame.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. silly asian
2. l-soo
3. miss laura

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. threechordmi
2. pacmanisasian
3. sidewaysuhoh

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i think alot
2. i'm smart enough to survive
3. i like to read

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. i depend too much on the gratitude of others
2. i don't stick up for myself when i want something
3. i don't know how to relate to most people

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Korean
2. Irish
3. Mexican

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. hobbits
2. motorcycles
3. bayonettes

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. self-confidence
2. self-denial
3. self-awareness

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. JWU hoodie
2. bathingsuit top (i have to do laundry, i ran out of bras)
3. dark brown cords

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists (at the moment)):
1. The Fire Theft
2. The Arcade Fire
3. Damien Rice

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. Oceans Apart - The Fire Theft
2. Whenever You're Around - Sirsy
3. Delicate - Damien Rice

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1. study Bloom's Taxonomy
2. go to Japan
3. write a haiku

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):
1. care
2. intelligence
3. good conversation

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. i am Jean Claude Van Damme.
2. i am Charles Barkley.
3. i did not follow directions.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. dominance (i know that sounds weird, but i like being taken care of)
2. long hair
3. cute smirks

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1. touch the moon
2. understand FLCL
3. hate Pozzie

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. reading
2. watching anime
3. drawing

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. sit outside
2. find out how pissed Tulip is at Jesse
3. pee

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. teaching
2. school administrating
3. educational research/teacher prep

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Kyoto
2. Santa Monica
3. Savannah

THREE KIDS' NAMES:
1. Victoria
2. Jane
3. Brian

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. put all the worms back in the ground after it rains
2. get taken out on a real date ("How come some girls get Zagat guides and i get 'wing it'?" there's something special about spontenaity, but just once i think i want to be taken out with reservations, suit and tie, the works.)
3. compile my entire journal in some sort of print volume

gen413 @ 2006-01-18T13:52:00

2006-01-18T18:52:51Z

i haven't updated in a while but i just wanted to let you know that it's because my life is boring, not because i don't want to share nor am i too busy to post.

i'm looking for a job, i got one at this restaurant near GW but it's kinda far away...i just applied to a coffee shop (so i can be JUST like qc) and i'm going to probably apply at a couple places up in college park tomorrow (bubble tea and college perk) but the first coffee shop is near campus (up on 12th street i assume) and it sounds perfect for me.

that's about it. blah.

oh yeah, NY trip was awesome, next weekend is MarsCon. the following weekend i really need to sleep...it's been a while since i've been able to really get unlimited sleep. unless of course i have to work.